Like I mentioned before, Paul has been sick since Halloween. The past couple days, he's been feeling better. We were even able to go to a restaurant Friday night to celebrate my sister Nancy's birthday on Saturday. He felt pretty good yesterday. This morning, he was nauseous and sick to his stomach and complained of being cold. (If you know Paul, you know that he's probably cold about as often as he's sick. He even wears flip flops out when it's cold.) Why did I tell you all that? To get to my point. But, before I get there, I need to rewind a little more.
Yesterday, I decided to go ahead and go to Starbucks to work on my chapter review for Human Growth and Development. I got my test corrections for the educational research class done, but I only wrote maybe another page on the chapter review. I just couldn't seem to focus on it. Anyway, since Paul woke up sick again, I decided to stay home today and just work on my homework here. Not going so well. I ate lunch, checked Facebook, downloaded some more of my digi scrapping supplies (I'm redoing the entire way I organize my kits. Long story, which would probably be even more boring than this one.). I was only going to do that while I ate lunch, but I decided to check my university email before I got started. Then, for some reason, I decided to check Pinterest. Two hours later, I realized I needed to start the chapter review. I tried to start it in the bedroom, but the overhead light just glared on the pages of the textbook. Polly and Court were running around and Paul kept pulling the blanket I was under. None of that was helping me focus. I decided to go to the living room. I packed up the laptop, my book, my phone, drinks, and snacks. Now, here I sit in the living room, still not able to focus on this chapter review, which is due Tuesday night. I'm worried about Paul; he was doing so much better, now he seems to be getting worse again. I absolutely cannot miss class again this week to take him back to the doctor. I'm not even sure if I'm doing the darned review the right way; Dr. R really didn't give us much instruction on what he wanted.
I had a little blow up last night. There are lots of things around the house that Paul has been saying he would take care of for the last year, since he was laid off his job. None of them have been done and it's only getting worse. To him, this stuff isn't a big deal. To me, it just adds chaos that I don't need. After I came home last night, we had already discussed watching Parkland and Grown Ups 2. One little thing happened as I was putting the Parkland disc in the blu-ray player and off I went. I even threatened to unregister (is that even a word?) for my Spring classes and quit my job so maybe I would have the time and energy to do the stuff myself. I don't really know why I said that. I'm not going to quit school. If I don't get my degree, I'm jumping right off God's path again. I know I won't quit my job; I like having a place to live and all the other things my pay allows us to afford. I calmed back down, almost as quickly as I had blown up. Then I had to apologize. I wonder if my blow up had anything to do with Paul feeling worse again today. I hadn't even thought of that until now.
As little as I am accomplishing today, I would usually go to Starbucks. Or, at the very least, go to the university. I just don't feel like getting ready to go out in public. I am exhausted, mentally and physically. I don't feel like showering and washing my hair. I don't feel like pulling out clothes and getting dressed. I don't feel like driving across town. All I really feel like doing is laying down, watching TV, and doing something that doesn't take much mental or physical effort. I guess this chapter review that I seem to be avoiding doesn't take much physical effort. Not much more than typing this blog post, clicking around Facebook, or downloading and organizing digital scrapbooking kits. The main problem with doing the review today seems to be my lack of mental energy. As I sit here typing this post in the living room, which shares a wall with our bedroom, I can faintly hear the TV. I'm the only one in here; the furbabies are in the bedroom with Paul. It's almost peaceful. I haven't had many peaceful times lately. It seems that my mind is always busy--reading a chapter or some research article, working on an assignment, thinking about what needs to be done, or thinking about work. My mind always seems to be going. And when I'm scattered like this, I forget to take my meds, which only makes the anxiety and depression and lack of energy worse. It's times like these when I think things like "No wonder God hasn't given us a child. When would I have time for him or her? How would I be able to take care of a child when I can barely get up early enough in the morning to get to work on time?" I know this is all temporary. I just need to pray more and have more faith and trust in God. He's already got all this figured out. I don't need to stress about my missing Test #1 in my research class. I don't need to worry about Paul like I have been. I don't need to worry about my own health like I do. God's got this and He is in control.
